Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
