1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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