I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
