Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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