Can i not drive my cunt home
My Higher Power is John Stamos
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
