youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
