Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
