i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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