This house was built for laser tag.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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