shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize