she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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