and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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