Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
We don't watch enough power rangers
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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