Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
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