Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
