you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
