Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
