Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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