People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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