Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
