also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
