I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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