But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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