Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I need help removing her.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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