i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
