I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
