She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize