I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Why is there bacon in the couch?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
