At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
