highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
