i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
