Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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