I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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