I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize