At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
