I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
what day is it and did you see me today?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
