Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
