Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
