Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
