I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I need moral support for this bender
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
