I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
