i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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