i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
