apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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