In the future we'll all be gay
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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