Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
