Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
well I can't set my house on fire every night
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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