Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
