i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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