i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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