i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
