Can i not drive my cunt home
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
