the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
