so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
