grandma shit on top of the toilet
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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