After last night, I could never be a politician.
I think my fart just growled at me.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
