this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
