Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
