I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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