i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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