i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize
