The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
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