Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
