it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
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