Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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