I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
