I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
