It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize