This is not my ceiling
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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