Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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